there aren’t enough of them,
as far as I can tell.
Maybe these streets are just scribbles,
no mysteries
no mess.
Our minds cloud the path
for the guides in our chests.
Let’s unwind
and rewind
each fight
from each night.
With tears,
I loosen your fingers
from mine.
Through wet, bleary eyes
the clearest thought is the quickest way home.
Alone.
“Your body is wonderful but could you be nice?”
I feared in your request,
the unspoken asterisk:
there’s more to change after this.
who am I without venom in my veins and fire in my lungs?
who am I without gritted teeth and fatal tongue?
how could I ever yield again to the vanity of lesser men?
I conceded
a half self,
a whole mess.
you already have all my skin and time
it’s too much to ask me to be kind
For a hopeful moment:
“I think I could try.”
“I’m sorry,
I don’t think I can.
We’ve done too much,
too fast, too soon.
It hurts to be around you.”
my quick quips slip past
your inflated wit’s grip
your clipped tongue trips
eliciting wide grins
from amused friends
unknowing accomplices
to your murder in real time
my lips undermine
your lies intertwined
since you let in the gas
i’ll set it alight
my finest lines
hide the finest lies
between you and i
you’re right
between us and them
i’m a delight
you fume
i’m on fire
their laughs
your demise
i’ll be the good guy
while you die inside
i trade my sins
for your skins
a mercenary cruelty
in service of desire
incessant rays beat down on your back
eager to scorch the earth you walk on,
so you fear what might detonate beneath you
a growing flame consumes the air
and you tremble at my heavy sighs,
desperate to avoid my ire
unflinching light targets your shadows
so they shrink, ashamed,
and take you along with it
since you insist on trapping me
under the weight of your world
let me remind you
i have always been the sun
unbearable to hold close
impossible to live without
hallucinations of a shared future
call for me at the witching hour
you’re lonely without your demons
your favorite looks just like me
visions sweet and viscous
summon me to your bedroom door
reason ushers me in
before making its escape
if i’m standing in front of you
it’s already too late
your delusion dances in delight
can you handle me this time?
my tongue carves spells into your flesh
teeth weave my venom into your sinew
so if you tear into me
i cut twice into you
trace those paths back on my body
with your tongue or favorite sword
choose any weapon in your arsenal
the worst of me endures
searing kisses cauterize our wounds
while we indulge our fiercest urges
you curse my name next to gods
but i never swear to yours
this ritual practiced during lunar highs
but never repeated in the day’s light
each night etches new signs into your walls
alongside the runes of our past demise
no oaths should be made
when pleasure dulls the clarity of pain
i saw the warnings
long before they were written
ecstasy clawed out your eyes
before you chose to read them
morning comes
the enchantment falters
the sun boils my poison
along with your blood
you ache because of me
but crave my tainted company
there’s a chance for you to end us
to deal our finishing blow
but you’re swept up again
by the might of my moon
and it feels too good to stop us
who is he?
you guessed at his name
but only got the first letter right
you were close to the truth
but there were still a few men to name
just a friend
a half lie
but omitting its full benefits
i was close to our truth
but there was one we left unnamed
what are we?
the question we spiraled
through the years cycled
neither of us dared to ask
both of us knew
how could you be mine
when you exist in the abstract to my friends,
a vague resemblance of a good man
rolling from high to high
within the stoned tomb you called a life?
how could i be yours
when i exist as a convenient ideal to your friends,
the perfect woman when she wandered home
catering to your every whim
a prison within her fractured life?
we belonged to each other in name only
great in theory, but never application
so we danced around
the blame game
the find your faults game
the who’s right and who’s wrong game
tell me the truth babe
who would you name?
you crave the sweetness I save for him
in my alcohol-soaked smiles
you taste the bitterness I brew for you
in my morning-after bile
he won’t call me his,
even as he kisses my lips red and raw
you want to be mine,
even when i call you small
jealousy is divine on his lips
it’s sinful on yours too
gluttons for punishment
grasping at the promise of heaven
you say i’m different
that’s what they all say
what if we make that true today?
what if i took you to your
basement hidden
from the eyes of our friends?
what if i spilled your guts with
the right questions
then put your organs on display?
what if i gave you tissues for
pent-up issues
then smeared them all on a slide
then analyzed you
with the smallest of scopes
and the sharpest of minds
then dissected the clumps of cells
for the makings of a man
then found the cancer killing you instead
metastasized from your head to your brain
a complex inferiority despite seven inches in length
i excised the worst parts of you
then injected the pain of missing me
you’ll be a few screws short
of needing a lobotomy
i’ll sew you up and send you out
our friends will think you’re fine
you’re now a little different
darling so am i
tell your therapist i had an excellent time
i’m in search of the perfect solution
the perfect proportion
of pursuit and affliction
could the high of the pain
eclipse the high of the hunt?
inconclusive
I punch holes with your insecurities
just like the ones you cut from me
i punch
and punch
and punch
until your ego
bruised and blue
become
ink wells for pointed lines i carve into
paper skin sliced thin into
perfect strips stained red
pooling at your feet
reaching for me
when i’m satisfied with this operation
a surgery of cruel precision
I bandage my wounds with your ribbons
when your blood dries and scabs fall from your repaired skin
i sharpen my tools to do it again
It started with my hair.
he hated when I wrote it up
so i left it
long, loose, wild
even as my face got sticky with sweat
under the summer heat
then he turned on other parts of me:
don’t keep the hair on your legs
shave your underarms
oh
what’s going on there?
don’t you care?
it’s better if you shave it,
for me and you,
I swear
i sheared the unwanted strands
and tore out the roots with scalding wax
i clawed at the hair growing under my skin,
blood stained my nails as loathing settled in
when resentment filled the bathtub to the brim
with thick strands of my discarded hair
i said fuck it
and cut him
the privilege of my skin isn’t ownership
bare your teeth
make it look like a smile
let your lips sell the sweetest lies
whisper to draw him close
enough to hear him breathe
keep your hands off his body
until he takes the lead
shed your silken armor
coax his weapon into your hand
lie back
let softness disguise danger
a deception laid plain
on bedsheets bare
men are much sweeter
when there’s less of you to fear
break his skin with your teeth
drink his blood with each kiss
carve a cavity in his chest
fill it
with empty promises
crush his bones with your thighs
be lethal on your knees
you’ll know you won
when he begs for release
let him sleep in false peace
then slip out of his sight
drive him out of his mind
in morning’s sharp light
let x mark the spot
where you leave his body behind
I bolted down my tongue with pearly-white nails,
it pulled in every direction
resisting the prison in my skull.
My tongue would rip itself free,
sawing itself against my teeth,
ensuring we both die when I bleed.
Our lifelines tied,
I bit my tongue to keep our peace.
I bit my tongue to keep you.
One day, my tongue clicked:
Why host this battle within when you can wage war with him?
Resolve restored my spine.
Whether it belonged to my demons or me,
there was only one way to find out.
I unhinge my jaw
and relax my grin.
My unpracticed tongue dances free.
salt spills out
unhindered by my gritted teeth.
My tongue lashes out
first,
close to your heart.
Next,
your head
yes,
that one.
the other one is next
he called me a banana
yellow on the outside
white on the inside
I asked him what he meant.
he corrected his jest to coconut
brown on the outside
white on the inside
and hairy
like my arms covered in fine wisps
how could one
raised by an ocean
on an island full of people like me
skin of rich earth like me
hair of timeless night like me
utter a baring insult
with an unflinching ease?
he
whose colors changed in the sun
who burned under its incessant rays
dared to claim that
I am too foreign for my sacred body
or
I would be more palatable if adorned with different skin
in either case
you laughed
familiar with this shameless whiteness
I weaponized my silence
and stared until you both felt shame
Then I asked him to explain.
more stunning than his stuttering
more remarkable than my restraint
is the deafening roar
of your quiet complicity
but since you insist,
let’s try again.
Switch with me this time,
be my passenger this time,
buckle up darling,
I’ll drive.
I’ll speed right into dead ends,
as our conversations deaden,
don't you wonder how it happens?
No?
That’s a problem easily fixed
flying off the edge of the nearest cliff.
This time I’ll make the tires screech
as my leaden foot hits the floor.
This time I’ll make you scream
while you yank open the unlocked door.
This time I’ll make night witness fear
now choose
between the asphalt or me.
Hurry up darling,
rock bottom is waiting.
I’m fine.
A bold faced-lie through a bared teeth smile.
A deflection of questions from prying minds.
A set of fickle scales balanced just right.
Fine.
A damnable word.
Everything is fine when we fly through the city nights,
watching the streets transform into tarmacs before our eyes.
Everything is fine when I lie through my teeth
and offer up words I don’t even mean.
Everything is fine when the jokes
cut too close and sink too deep.
I’m fine as we speed through the nights,
blue lights flashing in our love-drunk eyes.
We got caught up in the moments and
they chase us
and corner us
and seize us
and I surrender.
Fine is the price I pay
to be careful with your feelings
and careless with mine.
I was fine,
I’m not anymore.
You want me to love you.
I could lie and say I do,
Won’t it mean more if I say it when I’m ready to?
You want something that ties you to me?
To make meaning of this mess?
I guess.
I could say it if you want me to,
we both know it isn’t true.
It isn’t enough for me,
how could it ever be enough for you?
“She still lives at home,
she'll pay.”
A punched line,
a pang in my chest,
soil fertile with resentment.
The cashier exchanged
a look with my change
in his hand
and on my face.
This first joke with “no offense” became
”It's fine” in your defense.
always
your pride at my expense.
She wants to talk
about the new elephant in with your name
that now sits squarely in the middle of our break room.
I say ok but it’s a lie
I’m not ok and I don’t want to talk
I let my anxiety take the lead
my tongue dumb and sputtering.
imhappyforyoutwoihopeyourehappytoo
igetityoureniceandhotterthanme
itscoolitsfineillbeokimgonnago
bye
I wish I knew what she had to say,
but kindness felt like cruelty with a pretty face.
Anticipation charged the air.
Our friends told me when they heard.
When she avoided my gaze,
I knew.
Two weeks for her fill the spot I once slept.
Two weeks for her to become more than a friend.
How did she catch everyone’s eyes and choose yours?
How dare you say it just happened?
As if bodies braided in bedsheets is a random occurrence,
as if heartbreak you chose is tragic happenstance.
Two weeks ago you said you loved me,
I wouldn’t say those words to you.
I’m not sure I could commit yet.
I’m not sure I ever want to.
You said it’s for the best,
I hate that you might be right,
It’s more than my pride can take.
Maybe I could change in more ways,
to stretch my skin closer to my bones
to find bigger ways to mean less.
But what about me is so wrong that
two weeks so quickly
became too late?