kaleidoscope

i transform light into rainbows
delicate in his empty hands
he twists me like a kaleidoscope
so our hearts touch the way he sees fit

his colorful contortionist
a prisoner to my beloved vice
tension growing with every turn
his grip tightens when i hurt his pride

i build him up with each twirl
i break down with each spin
i mirror his insecurities so
my refracted light blinds him

he finally dropped me…

but maybe

i leapt to flee
and spun faster, even faster
crashing into new men
clashing with their expectations
spiraling without his hold on me
igniting the world beneath my feet

i couldn’t see straight in this exhilarating devastation
until i remembered how soft i could be

call you home

home is where my heart is
but no matter how far you go
nothing compels me to call you home

solemn silence

Sometimes you’d talk about the firefights.
Sometimes the men you left behind.

You try to erase them all
with booze
with women
with the highest tides.

This time was different.

Humidity forced open the windows,
suffocating you with your 2am thoughts,
replaying on the ceiling,
recalling who you lost. 

You took a deep breath.

You named every one of them.
You missed every one of them.
You knew everyone who cried for them too. 

You asked me what to do but
I don’t have the words or the right,
how could I ever answer you?

I took a deep breath and offered my paltry advice:
Hold them in your memories,
honor them in your every day. 

I held your hand in a solemn silence
with your regrets clinging to the heavy air.

breath in hand

If I could hold my breath in my hand,
it would be so much easier to release.
I'm quite afraid of what will break
when I can’t hold it anymore.

sink deeper

Longing comes in waves,
swirling at my feet
pooling in my eyes
rising slowly before
trapping me in your warm embrace. 

I’m adrift in your sheets again. 

Do I let these tides claim me
and let them overtake me?
Should I let you consume me
and let our memories drown me?
Would I lose myself at sea
in search of temporary ecstasy? 

You’re pulling away now,
our memories call out:
swim out further,
sink deeper. 

If I’m not careful,
you’ll steal my breath,
like you do every time. 

Dawn breaks.

Your sheets
once filled with us
now full of air. 

It’s time for you to sail away,
I want to cry out from the shore,
but my voice breaks like waves,
as the longing recedes.

uncertain seas

It’s tempting to look
for a warm glow from your room.

A singular lighthouse for
a singular ship
seeking sanctuary from uncertain seas.

It’s tempting to look
but I glance at the window
each time I drive by
that familiar house.

It’s tempting to look,
to send you a sign.

If the light is on,
would you call out to me?
If I send a message in a bottle,
Would you want these emotions pent up in me?
If I throw you a line,
would it lead you back to me? 

It’s selfish to ask,
but do you miss me? 

You’re oceans away,
you’re hours ahead,
you’re far from the times,
you held me in your bed. 

On evenings I’m brave enough to peek,
I don’t see that lonely light. 

An unusual clarity
in our usual ambiguity.

day 1

Day 1.
I brought you up again.
A friend said I deserved how I felt,
We haven’t talked since,
Can you believe that?
Even through tears, I know it’s true. 

It’s me who refused to commit.

Day 14.
It’s Valentine’s Day and our friends took me out.
Between drinks and untouched food,
Our friend said it wasn’t about me,
What does that even mean?

Day 9.
I heard that you took your I love you and gave it to her.
The words I wouldn’t say back,
I probably deserved that. 

Day 1, take two.
I took aim at her to hurt you,
subtle as a beachfront battleship
mooring at high noon.

Everyone knew why but nobody dared. 
I should have told them it’s rude to stare.

Day 8.
You cannonballed into a field of landmines
when you asked why I chopped my hair. 
I did it for me
you made it about you.
Your conceit on full display,
I hate that it’s true. 

Day 10.
I’ll count up every day I don’t think of you.
Count again
and fail again
and try again.

Day 1.
Here we go again.
Time to free my mind of you.

boxing shadows

A loss by total knockout,
since the knockout isn’t me.
Princesses don’t belong in cages 
with untamed beasts,
foaming at the mouth like me. 

Everyone agrees.

I have no crown,
I lost too much weight,
I punch low enough to disqualify myself. 

Grace isn’t granted to monsters
spitting venom at every turn. 
They’ll save her before me
because they know I never learn.

Self-loathing is my cellmate,
so leave me alone in this prison
boxing shadows of myself.  

petty jealousy

Your fingers trace her delicate frame
her lips plant kisses on your face
what you start in this dark bar,
ends in soft sighs at your place. 

I’ve done this with you before
until you said
stop
no more. 

I chase my shots faster
than I chased you
downing the next one quick
the next one quicker
making me number
even number
to the sharp ache of your rejection. 

I drink to spite you.
I drink in the sight of her:
catching moonlight in her hair
stunning sorrow with her smile
I steal searing glances
at the woman you desire. 

What’s it like to be someone
so lovely and so kind,
Whose tender heart and golden skin
is what I wish was mine? 

Shame and drinks settle in me,
concealing my crimes in slurred speech,
mixed with petty jealousy. 

I’d rather deny what’s beautiful,
than admit the ugliness in me.

heavier than i’ve ever been

Bones threaten to pierce my skin
though I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.
Clothes hang loose from my once full frame,
now lean with sadness. 

What do you say to someone whose insides are strung up on display,
with front row seats to the dissection of her heartbreak?
How do I watch his new relationship blossom
so soon after ours was put six feet under?

If a rotting carcass incites fear
when it chases the living
with its unrestrained contempt,
then I don’t hold the same power
with my lukewarm body and shallow breaths.

I’m a spectacle for a rabid audience,
witnesses to my self-made tragedy,
a withered tree in the peak of his spring.  

The voices in my head
found new bodies to echo through,
their pitiful glances say I deserve it.

When our memories play past midnight,
I know I did too.

silence

silence is the deadliest word

white sheets of surrender

Cautious whispers in the breeze
say she returned from her dreams overseas.
Our friends say nothing to me,
yet mumble in morbid curiosity.

You say you’re busy tonight,
you have other plans,
I understand.

I’m in no place to make demands.

She’ll always be between
the old me and the older me.
Perched above my lowest blows,
unaffected by the worst of me.

I leave.
I tire my mind with a long drive
under the island’s midnight sky,
instead of your lips kissing hers
her hands in yours
stop
don’t hurt yourself like this anymore.

I retreat to my bed,
its white sheets of surrender,
a refuge from the inquisition of our friends
but no haven from my noisy head.

I send a text in defeat,
Insecurity asks
Her or me?

sharp words

Your voice pierces the air
like every insult I threw. 

I won’t look up when you enter this room.

My heart leaps out of my chest
and takes my eyes with it. 

It hits the ground with a thud,
indiscernible from the sound it once made for you.

Dormant butterflies cut my gut on their way up,
releasing my acid into me,
freezing as they flee.

Your shoulder
colder
than the last words you said to me. 

Shattered wings
join heart shards
and sharp words
in scarlet pieces at my feet.

I can’t tell them apart.

untamed name

my untamed name
your unnamed shame
the source of our schism
a sweet lie, the bitter truth
the unstoppable me
the immovable you

mondays

monday’s crumbs on his kitchen sink,
the last bites of dinner before he had me

tuesday’s slivers on the shower floor
my strands trapped in the grate of his drain

wednesday’s ashes stuck to the bowl,
waiting for his next hit and miss

thursday’s scraps on a bedroom door
pieces of it swept under the rug with me

friday starts with friends,
saturday ends with drinks.
i run on them and you,
who knows who i’ll end up with and when?

sunday is a temporary reprieve,
respite from my endless fatigue.  

I crawl into my own bed
and return to my body alone.

my skin conceals barbed hooks,
my prickles thickest around my heart,
a prison built to keep him out

But I never kept him out.
I stayed long after I had my fill,
my intentions rotted into ill will.
What pieces of him did I leave unturned?
If I can’t fix him, when will I learn?

monday arrives before i’ve solved my mess,
it’s time to start this cycle again.

tap tap tap

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Raindrops loud,
teardrops deafening.
You reach out to wipe them
but stop
and retreat to wipe your own.

You won’t assign blame
but all signs point to me.
Quick-witted quips slipped by my vicious tongue
Fault lies perfectly along my fault lines,
lines I said,
lines I crossed. 

You asked me to be kinder,
to be softer,
to be nice,
too much to give in earnest,
I don’t compromise. 

Tap. Tap. Tap

I can’t look at you again
but you joked that the ground is boring and I’m better than that.
Misery could not stop our laughter,
bittersweet with tears,
would we laugh like this again,
together or apart?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The rain
the only witness to the tenderness shared
in empty parking lot
with a lonely car
and newly broken hearts. 

think too little

apologies are from the noncommittal
who live too much
and think too little

what do these roads spell

there aren’t enough of them,
as far as I can tell.

Maybe these streets are just scribbles,
no mysteries
no mess. 

Our minds cloud the path
for the guides in our chests. 

Let’s unwind
and rewind
each fight
from each night.

With tears,
I loosen your fingers
from mine. 

Through wet, bleary eyes
the clearest thought is the quickest way home.

Alone.