When it came to having kids, I've had men who tell me I'd change my mind and some women who'd insist the same. Most women nod knowingly—I see now that I was lucky. But first, some background.

I grew up in Catholic school, so I'm familiar with the rules around sex:

Don't have sex before marriage.
Don't have sex with someone you aren't married to.
Don't have sex with someone you aren't going to marry.
Don't have sex with someone you don’t love.
Don't have sex if you aren't ready to have a baby.

In writing this now, I wonder if that's why some people think it's "romantic" to marry your high school sweetheart. It veils the truth of your "impurity" in some ways, especially if you were uncommitted to chastity. To my school's credit, they did a good enough job about teaching us about STDs and safe sex… Then again, so did the internet. In any case, breaking rules had consequences.

Having sex before marriage means you aren't a virgin for marriage, your partner won't want you.
Having sex before marriage means you're easy and men don't want easy women.
Having sex without condoms means you might get an STDs, and you'll have to deal with it forever. (Honestly the most sensible rule.)
Having sex before marriage might result in pregnancy, which means you'll have to have the kid. Abortion is not an option because you’ve condemned your eternal life to eternal damnation.

And with all those potential outcomes, I still had sex in high school.

I continued my young adult life having sex with people casually, sometimes monogamously, and mostly with people I didn't want to marry. I still carried the burden of the potential consequences; if there's anything that I was conditioned to believe, it's all my fault if something went wrong. I used birth control— first to manage my anemia, then to prevent pregnancy. I wasn't ready for a child, and I also knew I didn't want to raise one. Fast forward through a few years and relationships, I finally followed the rules.

I'm 31 now. It's been about 15 years since I first had sex. I've done all the "right" things. According to the rules prescribed to my life and womanhood:

I'm having sex in a marriage.
I'm having sex with someone I love.
I'm on birth control so I don't get pregnant.

What happens if I do all the right things now and still become pregnant? I do not want children. Do I still need to keep the baby?

Anti-abortion legislation is a way of controlling the intimacy in my bed and the beds of other women

I take birth control now—what if I don't want to anymore for any reason? The reason doesn't matter because it isn't your business, yet your opinion is still here. Yes, there are other birth control methods I could use. Are you suggesting that I should have sex a certain way with my husband if I don't want kids? Like with condoms? Dental dams? The pull-out method? Are you interested in directing my sex life like a porno? Weird and invasive.

If one of your suggestions is don't have sex, that definitely didn't work the first time I heard it. Trust me. I know.

It doesn't matter if people do the "right" things when it comes to sex, there is always the risk of unintended consequences. It doesn’t matter if someone has the “right” circumstances or “wrong” reasons to access abortion. We shouldn't punish people for having and enjoying sex and intimacy. We shouldn’t prevent people from having access to tools that help them build the lives they want.

The marriage → sex → children pipeline isn't the only way to have a fulfilling life. I have a full life with my husband, our families, and our friends. I can be more generous with my time, my money, and my energy because I don't have kids. If I can't access a safe abortion, that changes. If women don't have access to safe abortions, their presence in the lives of their loved ones changes too.

Anti-abortion legislation is a way to control how present women can be in their own lives

More insulting, it limits my ability to change my mind.

I’m very aware I could have my tubes tied (bet you don’t know it’s called a tubal ligation) or my husband could have a vasectomy. Depending on the method used, it can be permanent. These are options for us. I’m very aware I don’t want kids. What’s also true is that our society is unforgiving when it comes to people changing their mind, regardless of what they’re changing their mind to.

What if we (my husband and I) change our minds about how we want to be a family? That could involve children. Are you going to pay for the adoption fees if we choose that? What if I can't get pregnant when we have sex? Will you shoulder the costs of our IVF treatments? If we get sterilized now, would you pay for our frozen sperm, eggs, or embryos just in case we change our minds? Will you pay for our surrogates? Will you be there to help us bear the repeated burden of grief when things don't work out?

If my life was at risk, would you make my husband choose a baby over me?

Our conversations on family planning isn’t anyone else’s business, but that’s part of the discussion with anti-abortion legislation. What options are available to us and what options do we want to take? What happens to us when certain options are no longer available?

Anti-abortion legislation is a way for people (who have no actual presence in our lives) to dictate what we can do

There are thousands of stories of why women have abortions. All those reasons don't matter; they're not our business. I'm sharing my story, and what it means for my family. I will be a less present wife, friend, daughter, and auntie in the life I want to lead. I cannot imagine the trauma I might pass to a child I don't want, whether through my own hands or those of the foster system.

If your belief in anti-abortion legislation is rooted in punishing women, I pity you and your belief that others should suffer.

If your belief in anti-abortion legislation is rooted in compassion, I urge you to extend that compassion to the women who choose abortion. Consider why these women might choose abortion and what resources they don't have access to because of time or money. I urge you to consider why we care so much for unborn children. Why don’t we give the same consideration to their mothers or the circumstances they both would live through if the child is carried to term?

It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I’d like to think God is compassionate—that’d he’d like for us to extend that same compassion to other people.

There's compassion in preventing a life from being born into unsupportive circumstances, whether it's an abusive system or a home that can’t support more people. Most women who have abortions are already mothers, aware of what their limits are. Some of these women are considered low income, already unable to provide for themselves.

More on abortion stats from the New York Times

I'd like to think we want all children to thrive; for them to grow and lead fulfilling lives. I'd like to think we also want that for ourselves and would support others building the lives they want. These two things aren't in conflict. Why wouldn't we want that for each other? How do we choose and vote differently so everyone is healthy, supported, and fulfilled in their lives, regardless of circumstances?

Abortion is a tool

Controlling access to abortion is about controlling our healthcare decisions. It’s about sex and how we’ve stigmatized it in our society. It’s about controlling how women show up for themselves and for their families. If a woman is less present for her children, we see her as a bad mother. If a woman chooses not to have children, she’s selfish. How fucked up is that? How can we build communities with love when we don’t trust women to choose what’s best for their circumstances?

The ability to enjoy sex or have children or access abortions shouldn’t be determined by your wealth or social class.

At 31, I have access to more money, time, and healthcare than I ever did at 16 or 22. I advocate for abortion healthcare because other women who are like 16-year-old me or 22-year-old me may not have access to the same support systems I did, the same healthcare I did, or even the same opportunities I did. We hurt our communities when we stigmatize abortion and leave women unsupported, regardless of their healthcare decisions.

Abortion is a family planning tool that can help women build lives, be present for their loved ones, and fulfill their own goals and dreams. I trust other women know what's best for themselves. Everyone deserves to choose what’s best for their lives without judgment or scrutiny.

It isn't hard.

Either you trust that women will choose what's best for their lives, or you don't.