Musings 30: Hair
I reference this picture of me a lot but never seem to have it available when I do.
8th grade me didn’t wanna do pictures and probably was just OVER the fact I had wake up during summer break at a ridiculously early time of day. It may have been an act of defiance from me because I just... Didn’t want to blowdry or fix my hair into an acceptable style. I may even have had allergies which made my eyes super itchy and poufy. I also probably just got those braces (I would have them for 5 years)! I remember a classmate said I was brave for taking a picture with my hair like this. I took it as a compliment, though I’m certain other people would have disagreed with her.
Despite that, I've always loved her defiance and confidence.
When I reached my 20s, men would love my hair and my smile and tell me about how desirable it would be if I kept it up or down or long or short and I wanted none of those things for me. I wanted, as any 20 something year old would, to be desirable. So I adjusted my hair based on the boys I was interested in… and I found that being desirable requires work. Eventually, I learned that I didn’t want to put that work in. There are so many more interesting things about me.
As many friends have pointed out, my Tinder-esque bio line screams confidence. Sexual confidence not so subtly implied. My hair is wild, but it really isn't the only wild thing about me. I build wild worlds in my wild dreams. I have lips tamed just enough to keep in the first unfiltered words I think. I have whims and strange interests and just have so much more life in me than my damaged, straightened hair ever did.
After years of chemically straightening my hair, which is arguably more annoying and most offensive to my nose, I stopped. It’s tiring and just a weird representation of what my hair actually is. My hair now is stubborn, like me. Some days are great and it's as full and bouncy and fun as I can be. Other days it's frizzy and unkempt like I also can be. I'm still learning how to take care of it in this texture and it's difficult, but it's a pleasant challenge. It's healthier like the relationships I'm choosing to surround myself with now.
Despite the expectations I placed on myself and influenced by other people, I should have known. The wildest part of me has always been my spirit. Eight grade me would be pleased.