I didn't think there would be a time where I would be scared of my own opinion. Not that I think my opinion isn't important, I've always thought that it was. I mean everyone has an opinion, whether it's a matter of thinking dogs are better than cats, or chocolate is better than vanilla. There are just a lot of feelings I have towards realizing the power of my own words.

The other day, The Civil Beat posted my submission. The submission was posted here obviously, mostly because I didn't know if they were going to post it on their website and I wanted to post it somewhere else just in case. Prior to it being posted, I got a few emails from the woman in charge of the Community Voices section which was about posting it, and that was pretty much it. Nothing else, and I didn't see it posted for a while, so of course, I didn't think about it.

Yesterday I got a text from some friends saying that they saw my post, and my heart dropped, tensed up. I started to sweat, feel nauseous, wanted to vomit, cry, hide. Everything. I kind of avoided clicking the link for a little bit, because I was scared of what people would say. I've been on the internet since I was 12, I knew how people could be. Eventually, I did and found that the comments were mostly mild which was comforting to a degree. Some of them were chimes of disagreement and some of them were words of support and agreement. It was just on the website, so it wasn't anything super crazy.

And then they posted the link on their FB page, and with all its ubiquity, more people see stuff anyway. This morning the likes were at 175 (according to a friend), when I checked it just now, it sits at 190, with 49 shares. I feel more nauseous and sick and want to vomit even more! Jesus.

The good points to this matter are that revisiting my opinion about two weeks later, I still feel the same way I did when I wrote it. At least I'm consistent. It also solidifies my belief that I am pretty moderate about a lot of my opinions, so that's good.

The cons are that people on the internet scare me. I find that people can be vitriolic on the internet, and are likely to more aggressively confront people online than they would in person. I also have actively chosen to not engage with the comments on the article, and I find that sometimes arguments gain no ground. Understanding and openness is key to solving conflicts, even if the conflicts are sowed in the land of the tangible world.

What is interesting to me are the posts of agreement. What do I know? I feel like a child in the grand scope of things, especially with my only recent interest in the going-ons of the world. I generally like to operate in my own sphere, but of course, I'm growing up to learn that as I get older, the more I see the spheres in my life overlap with other things.

It's scary to first, put your opinions out there about such a sensitive topic, because people are likely to react just as strongly as I'm reacting to their reactions. It's even scarier to think that people's opinions can change of you due to what you feel or think or say, especially when the opposing opinions are ones people close to you hold.

What's crazier to me is that if you word anything just right, you can get anyone to disagree or agree with you and without realizing it. It's like how Hitler got away with writing Mein Kampf, and was able to get people to be sympathetic to his opinion by playing on their own weaknesses, and then turning the country the way he did. Could you imagine?

Could you imagine being put to death because of your opinions incriminating you? Isn't that crazy? You write your own death sentence by choosing to be authentic to your beliefs. I think with the way the world is going today, it's becoming a possibility for that to happen in addition to your gender, ethnicity, or whatever else you choose or don't even choose. Doing stuff like this is essentially is putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to the world. That's scary.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say, it's just that we really need to be responsible and accountable for our own words. I'm glad that I am seeing it now although I want to vomit everywhere every time I think about it. I guess my opinion just scares me because it's crazy to see the power of words and thoughts. I think it's scary to see how it can charge and change things. I think it's scary to see people be so callous about how they use their words to influence thoughts and actions.

In the end it's more of a reason for me to use mine responsibly and practice channeling all of this positively…

I guess it's a good thing I never really learned how to be quiet.